Computers, comshmuters - A rant by M

All morning, my co-worker has been freaking out that her computer isn't working. That's a problem. Of all people, I can relate. What I don't understand is why the entire office has to hear about it constantly throughout the day. It's like she's the Hedda Hopper of Computerville, making sure everyone knows her computer is broken.

Her computer started with a blue screen and lots of mumbo jumbo written on it. There was a line saying, "If this if your first time seeing this screen, re-start your computer." She does that. The blue screen is still there. She re-starts the computer again, even though it's not her first time anymore. No go. The Idiot Prince - her boyfriend - and Nose Digger come over. They start poking around on the keyboard. They shut it down and restart it again, because even though that's already been done, it's their first time seeing the screen. So that negates all previous attempts.

"Call Gerard", I keep saying, in reference to the freelance IT guy we use. But no. Idiot Prince insists on trying to run the thing in Safe Mode. He's doing this because a) his dad owns the business, so he needs to save a few rubles for the company and b) that all the years floating on boats - in pursuit of his oceanography degree - was for the ultimate good of the office IT systems.

Because Duran Duran filmed "Rio" on a yacht, we now have the Internet.

As I type, it's like watching the Keystone Kops. They have no idea what they're doing, but they still insist on trying to solve the problem themselves. If it could, that PC would be turning a sharp right and jumping out the window at the first opportunity.

And somebody better give the girl a computer soon, because Whiner (as I call her) now has way too much time on her hands. Instead of picking up the phone and making a few cold calls, she decides she needs to be entertained and insists on chattering away at me. I give her a British tabloid that I have on hand, but she starts reading it out loud and dissecting the articles to me. Since I'm busy, it's one of the rare days I could care less about:

1> Britney and the baby's car seat

2> How skinny Nicole Richie is or

3> Brangel... shit, I still can't say it!

Throughout the entire morning straight into the afternoon, they're still at it - fiddling with the computer and refusing to call the IT guy. If I walk out of here this afternoon with my eyebrows burned off, looking like an extra from Mad Max, you'll know why.

Is your village missing a few idiots? Because I've got them right here and they want to come home.