God Save The Queen - Part 2

C is back from England and he did not disappoint, toting along the Trash for Cash i.e. British tabloid weeklies.

Since my original discussion regarding these magazines, I have done my part to enlighten others. I give them to friends and even co-workers, just to keep me in their good graces while I admire the zoo that is my office. (Recent developments include the firing of the person who was meant to be my replacement, only after two weeks. It's been fun and games ever since.)

Originally, I'd mentioned the prolific human interest stories featured within these magazines. Now, I've been given a copy of an entire magazine devoted to the trials and tribulations of my fellow mankind.

Jerry Springer, eat your heart out

Upon seeing the cover, my overactive imagination took over and I envisioned a pair of boobs hovering over that poor girl while she slept. "Bwoooaaaahhaaaa, we have come over from The Other Side to haunt you in your dreamssss!"

She'd wake up screaming and her flatmate would run in, like "What? What happened?" And the girl would sob into her friend's shoulder, "These boobs keep haunting me! They just won't leave me alone!"

And as for the Evil Ex story - where to begin? I just hope the pigs don't see this, find out the truth, and sue for emotional distress.

Moving onto the more celebrity-oriented tabloids, you've got to love this cover:

Kristin Davis: "Help! I have lost control of my hands and they're forcing me to eat this fry!"

So now the truth comes out! After years of reports of drug binges, shoplifting arrests, and extra-marital affairs, The Dark Side of Showbiz is revealed in (Dun dun dunnnnn!) Binge Eating! Oh, horrors! And judging from the cover, this obviously affects only women. Men don't have this problem - nahhhh.

No wonder why Nicole Richie is so skinny! All the Binge Eaters in Hollywood are clearing out the supermarket shelves before she can even get there! When she orders a sandwich, Sharon Osbourne walks by and stuffs it into her mouth! Poor Nicole - we need to start a drive to send care packages from other parts of the country that aren't yet afflicted! Quick - before Britney finds her way to your local Burger King!

And this brings me back to the media fascination with morphing celebrity babies. Only days after discussing it, I come upon an imagined playdate between Suri Cruise and the future spawn of Bran...Brangel...no, I can't say it!

The astute celebrity psychics over at Heat magazine have so far determined that:

A) In spite of her own fashion sense, Angelina will subject the poor child to the butchest haircut I have ever seen in my life!

B) The spawn of Brad and Angelina will bear a strange resemblance to Kirstie Alley.

C) This child will scare the bejeezus out of every other kid it comes across, sending them running out of the local playground in Namibia.

Strangely, Suri's future looks are relatively pretty; as the daughter of Tom Cruise and his backhanded mechanisms to bring down South Park, is this a coincidence? I think not.

Ah yes, I do love my British magazines! And as I will continue to be fed a steady diet of them, thanks to the passengers who continue to leave them behind, therein lies fodder for future observations.

Until next time...