The freaks come out at night

I live in a part of the Upper East Side that is heavily populated by restaurants and bars. Still, it's a part of town where you're lucky if you have a Tara Reid sighting at the local dive bar.

Taken from the Wall of Shame at Brother Jimmy's

Now that the warm weather is back, so is the outdoor seating and consequently, the sidewalk soap operas. Thus, a nice segue from the season finales of my favorite TV shows - which occupied me all through the winter - to the entertainment that is my fellow New Yorkers. Walking Zoe has never been so much fun.

Just last night, I passed by American Trash. This bar has a long history of living up to its name. It's a biker bar planted right smack in the middle of the Upper East Side, of all places. Hence the Wall Street Cowboys and Jewish American Princesses who decide to "slum it", wearing their Diesel jeans and "vintage" rock t-shirts from Urban Outfitters. Nothing sends them scurrying faster than two Hell's Angels who decide for that one beer-addled minute - they really don't like each other. And they're going do something about it. Now.

When they start re-aligning each other's noses...it's like buttah

For more highbrow entertainment, there's Baraonda, a favorite haunt of the New York Yankees, snooty Eurotrash, and the women who love them. If you wait long enough, eventually an alcohol-fueled argument will start between a couple right alongside the sidewalk cafe. And usually it's of such drunken proportions, where the mascara is streaming down her face in rivers and the boyfriend can't console her to save his life. It's like the opera - very dramatic and no one can understand what's going on.

Girlfriend: Iateeeeeyouyyy! (Sob)

Nearby diner: What did she say? She ate him?

Boyfriend: Baby, I'm sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?

Girlfriend: Zhammmbardsss!

Boyfriend: You wanna go to St. Bart's? I'll take you to St. Bart's!

And it's only the beginning of the season.

Should an intrepid visitor decide to venture past 3rd Avenue and brave this part of town; they will have to decide for themselves just how safe they really are. Especially be wary of the frat packs from Long Island standing outside of any bar on Second Avenue, wearing the Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirts and flip flops. They may look like they're having a lot of fun with the pretty co-eds on either arm, but consider yourself warned: Tom Cruise is their leader and they're recruiting for new members.

I shall not rest until I have all the Kappa Beta Gammas in the land!