How do you like them apples?

This morning, I had two shoulder bags with me, as the plan was to go to the gym after work. I need to do penance for my dumpling overload last night. Followed up by the new comedy "An American Haunting" and a popcorn with "topping", I felt like a dumpling myself.

So the trains are running late, creating people pile-ups on the platform. We're all waiting with baited breath to see what the next trains brings and I'm close up to the front, dangerously close. Weighted down with bags and people pushing up behind me to check out the tracks, I'm feeling like an ass.

"I should have taken the bus"

Finally the next train pulls up and there's this wee bit of space where, if I shifted my bags down and contorted myself, maybe I'd get in. Then I hear this guy say, "Step in honey, I'll make room for you."

A guy is standing face to face with me, except he's on the train. He's a little heavy-set, with a florid face, and he's younger than me. Who does he think he is calling me "honey"! Although that's marginally better than "Ma'am". I just shake my head silently and make a show of looking down the tracks for the next train. "There's plenty of room right here, you just have to lean in close to me."

Oh dear.

I look to my left and right to see if anyone else heard that and do I take that the wrong way? I'm not getting the feeling they did. I step back slightly from his leer, but given the circumstances, he gets right to the point. "What's your number?"

Why aren't the train doors closing? I snap at him. "What's the matter with you?"

"Whatever's wrong with me, I'm sure you can fix." He was a wolf in Banana Republic chinos.

The train announcement comes on. "This train is temporarily being held by the train dispatcher. We apologize for the unavoidable delay."

Shit! I don't want to walk away now because of a) my stupid pride and b) I'll get relegated to the back of another crowd if I switch car entrances, where I'd lose another ten minutes. Why do some men have to automatically assume all women are single and ready to throw themselves at their feet? Even when they look like a post-Camelot Kennedy.

Patrick Kennedy models the Kennedy family ascot

The guy keeps trying to make eye contact with me, even as I'm looking away from him. "You're cute, you know that?"

I was not amused. I'm never really amused in the morning, but this morning I was less amused than usual. Then I heard, "Steven?"

I then found out he was the spokesman for Sears' special "Deer in Headlights" photo package - backdrop included

The cocky, smarmy look was wiped off in an instant and he turned into a stammering, beet-red mess. "Sweetie! Here! There's room for you!"

And this girl pushes through the crowd and squeezes onto the train, wearing a wedding ring as I couldn't help but notice. She gives him a peck on the lips, before facing outwards and shooting me the dirtiest, nastiest look ev-er while he squirms and sweats behind her.

Then the ding-ding of the train goes off, signalling the doors were about to close. She's still staring me down like I was some coffee-deprived Lolita, so I couldn't resist. Really, what are the chances of this scenario being turned on its head like it did?

"Don't look at me, girl. Look at that slimy husband of yours."

As the doors closed in, her expression went self-righteous to....hmmm, I'd like to say shock with just a smidge of a wife about to give her man a verbal beatdown.