Feeding the 80's beast
Update: Because Blogger refuses to acknowledge their photo uploading won't work, there's nothing I can do to illustrate this post, as much as I'd love to. Use your imagination.
Right before C left yesterday for the Bahamas, he sent me the most romantic parting gift ever – this link to an extensive online catalog of 80’s music videos. Roses? Nah. Chocolates. Pffftttt. My guy's fed me a steady diet of 80's videos to last me a whole month! Now that's love! Can we say M is now obsessed and has barely noticed his absence since?
Going back to my original discussion of 80’s cheese and poor production values, it’s only natural I would spend hours disseminating the nuances and messages lying within the countless videos in this catalog. And quite frankly, I’m not sure what message Billy Squier is trying to send in his Rock Me Tonite video. All I know is that it’s scaring me. This video, among many others, leads to the question that keeps repeating in my head: was it the cheese that was the 80’s or was it just really, really gay?
Consider the slashed top and tight pants Mr. Squier dons in his music video. Nowadays, if anyone tried to pull that outfit off with the finger-snapping, dancing, and writhing on the floor combo, we’d say he was a gay of the Richard Simmons variety. But then you think “wait, this is the 80’s we're talking about here”. Soooo...was it the 80’s or just really, really gay?
And then there’s the music video John Stamos doesn’t want you to see. Because Uncle Jesse actually had a band way back when and the name was…straight face now...Jesse & the Rippers. When he’s not busy mooching at the camera on top of 600-thread count sheets, he’s head-banging while surrounded by a million candles. Considering the amount of flammable hair products in that head of his, his insurance coverage must have been in the millions.
Can one head bang within moments of being shown holding two babies, while candles threaten to send you shooting off into the sky like a Fourth of July fireworks show? And I've never seen babies just look so confused, until I saw those two floating up around in those clouds like that. They're obviously thinking: "What the hail are we doing floating up around in these clouds for?!?" Say it with me - was it the 80’s or was it just really, really gay?
Then there’s my personal favorite – Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry” video, the stuff that inspires my inner American Idol dreams. If you know the back story to this video, you’ll know that the girl in it was his actual girlfriend and she dumped him shortly after. Hey, if my boyfriend insisted that I wear red tights with a white dress and then wailed right in my face to boot, I’d be dumping his ass too! She looks so unenthused by the end – like, “Hello? Could you please stop doing that? I'm so embarassed to be seen with you.” She's thisclose to be jumping out of the screen to tell us it wasn't the 80's, it was just really, really gay.
There are so many honorable mentions for videos within this astute catalog, but I have to digress with one particular choice. Since each artist appears to only have one listing – did they have to choose “We Belong” by Pat Benatar? Yes, it’s cheesy, but they could have done one better with Love Is A Battlefield.
Am I right? Anyone else feeling me on this? Who doesn’t love doing the Boom-Shaka-Laka dance from the video when this song comes on in a bar? I know I do! If I’m in your neighborhood local, just put the money in the jukebox, pick “Love Is A Battlefield”, and instant hilarity will ensue.
Sadly, this video is not included. Perhaps it's the cautionary tale presented to impressionable minds, telling you what happens when you try to run away from home. You become roped in by a dance-mad pimp who makes you dance with strange men in seedy bars in East L.A. And you're forced to do it while wearing outfits only Courtney Love could...well...love!
I don’t know how you can leave out a video where one of the biggest 80's sexpots and her girls rebel against their pimp by Boom-Shaka-Laka-ing him straight out of town. This was Ms. Benatar's contribution to society, showing us that guns are not the way - Boom-Shaka-Laka is. And the message did catch fire for one sweet, brief moment. Not only could indentured dancers shimmy their way to a peaceful outcome, but gang members in patent red leather as well - as evidenced by Michael Jackson's "Beat It" music video.
Right before C left yesterday for the Bahamas, he sent me the most romantic parting gift ever – this link to an extensive online catalog of 80’s music videos. Roses? Nah. Chocolates. Pffftttt. My guy's fed me a steady diet of 80's videos to last me a whole month! Now that's love! Can we say M is now obsessed and has barely noticed his absence since?
Going back to my original discussion of 80’s cheese and poor production values, it’s only natural I would spend hours disseminating the nuances and messages lying within the countless videos in this catalog. And quite frankly, I’m not sure what message Billy Squier is trying to send in his Rock Me Tonite video. All I know is that it’s scaring me. This video, among many others, leads to the question that keeps repeating in my head: was it the cheese that was the 80’s or was it just really, really gay?
Consider the slashed top and tight pants Mr. Squier dons in his music video. Nowadays, if anyone tried to pull that outfit off with the finger-snapping, dancing, and writhing on the floor combo, we’d say he was a gay of the Richard Simmons variety. But then you think “wait, this is the 80’s we're talking about here”. Soooo...was it the 80’s or just really, really gay?
And then there’s the music video John Stamos doesn’t want you to see. Because Uncle Jesse actually had a band way back when and the name was…straight face now...Jesse & the Rippers. When he’s not busy mooching at the camera on top of 600-thread count sheets, he’s head-banging while surrounded by a million candles. Considering the amount of flammable hair products in that head of his, his insurance coverage must have been in the millions.
Can one head bang within moments of being shown holding two babies, while candles threaten to send you shooting off into the sky like a Fourth of July fireworks show? And I've never seen babies just look so confused, until I saw those two floating up around in those clouds like that. They're obviously thinking: "What the hail are we doing floating up around in these clouds for?!?" Say it with me - was it the 80’s or was it just really, really gay?
Then there’s my personal favorite – Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry” video, the stuff that inspires my inner American Idol dreams. If you know the back story to this video, you’ll know that the girl in it was his actual girlfriend and she dumped him shortly after. Hey, if my boyfriend insisted that I wear red tights with a white dress and then wailed right in my face to boot, I’d be dumping his ass too! She looks so unenthused by the end – like, “Hello? Could you please stop doing that? I'm so embarassed to be seen with you.” She's thisclose to be jumping out of the screen to tell us it wasn't the 80's, it was just really, really gay.
There are so many honorable mentions for videos within this astute catalog, but I have to digress with one particular choice. Since each artist appears to only have one listing – did they have to choose “We Belong” by Pat Benatar? Yes, it’s cheesy, but they could have done one better with Love Is A Battlefield.
Am I right? Anyone else feeling me on this? Who doesn’t love doing the Boom-Shaka-Laka dance from the video when this song comes on in a bar? I know I do! If I’m in your neighborhood local, just put the money in the jukebox, pick “Love Is A Battlefield”, and instant hilarity will ensue.
Sadly, this video is not included. Perhaps it's the cautionary tale presented to impressionable minds, telling you what happens when you try to run away from home. You become roped in by a dance-mad pimp who makes you dance with strange men in seedy bars in East L.A. And you're forced to do it while wearing outfits only Courtney Love could...well...love!
I don’t know how you can leave out a video where one of the biggest 80's sexpots and her girls rebel against their pimp by Boom-Shaka-Laka-ing him straight out of town. This was Ms. Benatar's contribution to society, showing us that guns are not the way - Boom-Shaka-Laka is. And the message did catch fire for one sweet, brief moment. Not only could indentured dancers shimmy their way to a peaceful outcome, but gang members in patent red leather as well - as evidenced by Michael Jackson's "Beat It" music video.
posted by Currin Girl at 1:05 PM
2 Comments:
This is--and you have stiff competition here--the most hilarious post I've read in a very long time.
The John Stamos video brought tears to my eyes. Seriously. Really, really gay.
Even the most maligned gaydar would alert on the Billy Squier video. What gave it away, Alice? The completely hairless body during the decade of David Hasselhoff plush carpets? The liberal use of pinks and pastels? The casual tossing of the spaghetti strapped shirt? This video is richer in faggotry than the West Village on a Friday night.
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