80's redux

I'm jumping up and down because I just got an e-mail that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will be touring this summer. For moi, this is major. Pearl Jam will open for them for at least two confirmed dates, neither of which are in my area. Yet. They've got to, man, they've got to! It would just be the icing on the cake if they did! Nothing would be greater than seeing my favorite, once-glorious 90's rock band, who tried to take on the the monopoly of concert ticket sales and failed. Miserably.

MTV was my baby-sitter as a kid. One of the first music videos I ever saw was Tom doing a duet with Steve Nicks for "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around". As a 5-year old, I remember thinking, "Why is that pretty girl singing to him? He looks too sleepy to drag anyone's heart around. A blankie, maybe, but not a heart. Good song, though." Thus began a lifelong appreciation for Tom Petty that nobody seems to understand.

Rip van Petty

MTV was good like that though. Now, parents are all hip to what could possibly aired within a music video, but let me tell you - my parents had no idea how it was I knew what "virgin" meant at 9 years old.

Thanks, Madge

C, darling, this is a memo. Don't ever take me to Venice. Because after a few glasses of wine, I will find it funny to writhe around on a gondola and starting singing to imaginary lion men in Versace suits. "I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it throughhhhh...hey, where's my lion man? (Snicker, snicker, snork)"

One of my favorite things to do is watch VH-1 Classics when they air the 80's videos, because it's not only just a trip down memory lane for me, but a study in poor production values. Did we love Falco so much that we forgot how bad the "Rock Me, Amadeus" video really was? The leather-clad, German bikers roaring "Rock Me, Amadeus" and pumping their fists in the air, while wondering what it is they're singing and when Mr. Frizzy Rainbow Head will give them the beer he promised.

Rock me to obscurity!

And there's some that will never see the light of day again, like Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55" music video. Not just the video, but the song too. Do you think you could listen to a song now, about not being able to drive below the 55 mph speed limit, without wetting yourself laughing? Poor Sammy, he just can't put that skeleton, and the yellow pleather jumpsuit, back into his 80's closet.

What about the "Who's Johnny?" video from the film Short Circuit, a movie about a malfunctioning robot who's really alive? When the bad guys try to throw him into the big metal-crunching thingie, and he starts yelling: "Johnny 5 is alive! Number 5 is alive!", oh boy. My friend and I had conniptions in our seats at the theater and we start screaming at each other, "HE'S ALIVE! NUMBER 5 IS ALIVE!!!". My dad had to drag us out of there, before we incited a near riot with all the 6 to 12-year olds in the house.

The great-great-grandfather of your PDA

Alright, forget the music video, the whole movie itself was a testament 80's cheeze. Mannequin was only marginally better - one second, she's a mannequin. Cut away, go back again and look- she's alive! Cut away once more and awwww, she's a mannequin again. As for Andrew McCarthy, dude, you're falling in love with a mannequin! Don't forget, this movie produced the most cheestastic love song ever - Jefferson Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now".

Kim Cattrall acting as woodenly as ever

What is it with me these days? It started with the drawings, and now it's movies where inanimate things come alive. Snickers bars and Dole pineapple cans, now robots and mannequins...I think I have a problem.

But I digress. The 80s era epitomized a goofy kind of hope. Even our do-good efforts smacked of cheeze. Does anyone remember Hands Across America? It was people forming a human chain across the United States, the proceeds of which would be donated to end homelessness. I remember thinking Wow, I'm connected to someone all the way in California! But judging from the state of things today, someone totally broke the chain.

Sigh, what an era of hope, of dreams, of Nancy Reagan showing up everywhere, imploring us not to do drugs. Did you D.A.R.E.? Then things had to go and be all cynical and grungy in the 90s. But by the power of Greystoke, leg warmers, and Bennetton polo shirts, my 80's uber-optimistim will take on your 90's, plaid-wearing, Nirvana moochiness anytime!