Don't quit your day job

If you recall the early days of reality television, we were besieged with programs that implied the half hour of trauma-drama to come, with titles like "When Bears Attack 3" and "When You Decide to Give The Cops Chase And Ignore The Fact That You're Being Videotaped".

As I cringe at the subsequent videos, I try to ignore the fact that I may, just may, have actually enjoyed these songs at one delirious point in my life. I call this When Actors Sing - dun dun dun!

In honor of having seen Dreamgirls last night, I trot out for you Eddie Murphy's first, illustrious singing effort, brilliantly titled, "My Girl Wants to Party All The Time". But if you listen, it's "par-tay" and not "par-tee", get it? I watch this and wonder how hopped up on drugs Rick James was to be not only making this video, but appearing in it too:



I danced to this video. Many times. Until someone pointed out to me that neither Eddie's singing - or the song - were very good. Let's face it - here comes Eddie Murphy strutting his stuff, looking all slick and smooth...and out comes the voice of a girl. It's even worse in this follow-up effort with Michael Jackson. Never mind Eddie's moves in this reel which scream "Arnold Schwarzenegger dancing" to me. Look at the tank top. Look! The Tank Top. The man is wearing A Tank Top.

From all appearances, I'm guessing this video was filmed during the nadir of his career, somewhere between Holy Man and Vampire in Brooklyn. Because nothing else sinks a career into quicksand faster than appearing in a video...in a tank top...with Michael Jackson...while surrounded by a dancing, prancing circle of swishy choirboys.

But maybe we should start calling him Teflon Eddie. Because like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Eddie Murphy sang out to me in Dreamgirls last night, with acting which is sure to win him a Golden Globe, but...his singing was still not very good.

As for this next one - plot association be damned, this is a Don Johnson video we're talking about here!



I'm seriously confused by this video. Who's 'The Girl' in the video? You know, there's always A Girl in music videos - like She's The One That Got Away. So is she the one in the black? Is she the one in the white? I don't get it and I don't foresee a moment's rest until someone explains it to me.

I'm also fascinated at how the bombed out background of the video morphs around. I mean, how do you go from war-torn Nicaragua into...the streets of East L.A.? (Throwing hands up in the air) I give up. Don Johnson, where are you? But with all these questions, one was answered for me. Now I know where Dweezil Zappa's fledgling music career went - downhill after appearing in this video.

And if you stop at 1:54 in the video, you see a shadow fight that can only be described as a gang member being beaten up by a ghost. Because that shadow just dives right through him, causing him to have a delayed reaction and then fall over, submitting to biggest ass-whuppin' in 80's-video-land. Imagine that story:

"I'm telling you, this ghost, bro, it just dove right through me. And then it jumped up and started beating the ever-lovin' shit out me. I still got the scars to prove it - I'm telling ya, ghosts? They don't play around."

The only video beatdown better than that is in Michael Jackson's Beat It video, where gang warfare is played out in a spangly and sparkly wonderland akin to a Liberace stage set.

Next, one of my favorite all-time songs ever. Don't ask me why, admitting to it is enough. This is when it becomes When Actors Have to Plug Their New Movie By Appearing In The Music Video - a very 80's practice that is now sadly defunct.



Fact: Singing back-up to Billy Ocean in an all-white tuxedo (and shoes!) does not a leading man make. You know who you are.

Fact: Michael Doulgas punches like a sissy. (I mean, what's up with the punching as part of the choreography?)

Fact: Michael Douglas grandfathered the dance that is now known as The Robot.

And a final fact: Danny DeVito has not...aged...one...bit. Bless.

Michael Douglas couldn't look more proud to be doing what he's doing right there, which makes me feel really guilty about even making fun of him in the first place.

But I'll live.

Imagine Julia Roberts dancing with a puppet pig to promote Charlotte's Web? Daniel Craig doing The Electric Slide for Casino Royale? Leonardo DiCaprio doing a cover of "Diamond Girl" to promote Blood Diamond? Come on, Leo, sing it! "Ooo ahhh, you're my diamond girl!"

I say, reinstate the music video clause in movie contracts and make our actors work for their moolah!