Richard Simmons for President

The Brits like to call certain performers and figures of prominence from their country "national treasures". This is their way of reminding the rest of the world that they've produced people of such magnitude, like Princess Diana and Elton John, that their legacies will no doubt outlive us all.

But we Americans are different, as I like to remind C. We're not as prolific, as I tried recently tried to explain to him who - or what - exactly Richard Simmons is.

Livin' the American Dream

See, we don't like our national heroes to be highbrow. Neh. Rather, Americans love a good rags-to-riches story with a touch of Jerry Springer sprinkled in. We like our presidents to tarnish their good names, whether by Watergate, female interns, or a proclivity for polishing off a whole case of Budweiser in one go. Our country is built proudly on a mix of white trash and pop culture, which is why Britney Spears is Prom Queen USA and gadgets like The Clapper are our contributions to technological advancement.

But Richard Simmons, my friends, he is king. Never, ever understimate the ability of Richard Simmons to transcend "Sweatin' to the Oldies" and really reach into the soul of Americana with his earnestness and sincerity. My fellow Americans, you know if you heard someone making fun of him, you'd be the first to jump and defend his white-boy 'fro, shorty short-shorts, and girlish giggle.

He made us get healthy. He made us laugh. And sometimes, just sometimes, he made us cringe and say, "Ew."

See? There's just no way to explain the man. He just is. He embodies what an American national treasure should be - endearing and lowbrow in a circus-sideshow-freak sort of way. This man, who's been such a huge success without ever having come out of the closet, hey - Clay Aiken could learn a thing or two from him.

Yeah, yeah, so the Brits may have their Beatles, the band Queen, and Her Royal Highness The Queen. But Richard Simmons makes me damn proud to be an American!