A very special birthday holla

A belated birthday holla for my oldest best friend, JMS. I'm so high school that way - I've got a long-distance best friend, a high-school best friend, a college best friend...you get the idea. I also have a supermarket best friend who I shop for groceries with, one that goes with me to the bank, and a male best friend for when C refuses to agree with my point of view and I need to be right. See, I can't do anything by myself.

Anyway, JMS and I met in the fourth grade on her second day of school as a new kid. In the interests of accuracy, I will confess that I was the designated Class Dweeb. I personally didn't see myself as a Class Dweeb and knew I was far more superior than the rest of them on the Biological Food Chain, but no matter. They still picked on me, beat me up, and stole my things.

Which is why I love this thing called Time. Because it happens, you know. And when I ran into one of my cruelest tormenters several years ago, I was comforted to see she was a rather acne-addled, overweight, sour thing frowning at me and her sister catching up on old times.

And let's not even go there with MySpace, which I love. How else would I find out that the kid who stole my glasses during gym - repeatedly - is now a janitor at a correctional facility. What was that? Oh yes, Karma is most definitely a bitch. And I'm not mature enough to pretend I don't enjoy it.

But going back, JMS was my only friend for a large portion of grade school. This was a result of her defending me that second day at her new school. For the next several years, I was the latchkey kid moderately protected by her popularity from school bullies, until I discovered the thing that made me what I am today: my snarkiness. After that, some scores were settled and life went on.

And with that, I present to JMS the following gifts:

Shoulder pads. As my friend and confidante, you've got to have some pretty big shoulders and I'm sure even hers get tired sometimes:

Yes, those might just make the cut

A pug puppy to add your current little pack. They're ugly, noisy little things that keep me awake all night whenever I visit her, but she loves 'em.

Pugs = Marty Feldman in canine form

A birthday at Disney World. Yup, you read right - the girl loves all things Disney. The only person who's allowed to make fun of her for this is me. You make fun of her and I'm coming over there and kicking your ass.

Photo from the last time someone tried to make fun of her in my presence

She even got married there, rehearsal dinner and everything. Because I love her that much, I endured. But not without the help of getting tanked at her wedding as the maid of honor.

And finally, an airline ticket to come back to come see me in her old stomping grounds. Because I don't think I can take another trip to Orlando, as previously recalled in this blog. No, I don't think I could.

You have no excuses now, missy!