In the news today...

Tivo alert! Coulter and Carlin to appear on The Tonight Show tonight!

(Correction: Tomorrow, tomorrow - thanks to Barbara for the heads up!)

Can you just imagine? No, no, no, seriously - just try to imagine this. George Carlin and Ann Coulter sitting next to each other on The Tonight Show. You just know something will go down. MTV may be bringing back Celebrity Deathmatch, but that just pales, pales I tell you! to watching Carlin and Coulter inevitably face off. Not only because I love George Carlin, but I really, really hope he gives it to her good.

Only Ann Coulter would make her annual pilgrimage to Joseph McCarthy's grave

In other news, Julia Roberts displays humility at Tony Awards. All over the country right now, people are reading this and saying, "No. Way." while checking outside their windows to see if pigs are flying.

Really, Julia, you ought to take more credit for yourself!

As this occurrence is as rare as a Bigfoot sighting, it is well worth reporting. But as we speak, Ms. Robert's lawyers are already on the phone to the Associated Press. "We demand a retraction - Ms. Roberts wouldn't deign to, and she never will, display any form of humility! We can sue for defamation of character, you know!"

"Psssst, Julia - this is the part where they photograph me. You know...me? The Oscar winner this time? Alone?"

In non-celebrity news, Americans are shortening their lunch hours more than ever, in order to run errands or return to work quicker. Honestly, I don't know what they're talking about. I've never had that problem. Sometimes, if I try really hard, I can even extend it up to 90 minutes!

And finally, in my personal news - the Trump Magazine job I interviewed for a while back is on the market again. If that's not a sign, then I don't know what is. Seriously, what is going on over there - is Ambien their corporate sponsor or something?