Smell hell

It's been in the 70's this week in New York, and while it's fantastic to walk around feeling the sun on your face, the smells have come out of hibernation. In particular, the people smells. And you know what? A lot of people smell bad.

I step onto the elevator at my office building and just when the doors are about to close, this guy steps on. He was like a bald Crocodile Dundee, I swear. The pants, the beaten boots, wearing a vest with no t-shirt. But worst of all he was Ripe.

Ripe like this?

No...more like this:

I'm serious. He. Was. Rrrrrripe! To effectively communicate just how ripe he was, you need to do some serious rolling of the R's there. Say it after me - rrrrripe! And I was stuck in the elevator with this being of massive ripeness, therefore I was not amused.

I must have been a dog in a past life, because I can sniff out nearly anything. I'll be in the middle of something, when my nose starts twitching away and I start asking, "Do you smell that? Huh, do you?" Then a minute later, I'll hear, "Ew, do you smell that?!?!"

The sudden spate of warm weather calls into attention the amount of people who forgo deodorant, showers on a regular basis, and oh...the concept of personal hygiene altogether. Some of them you can spot right away, because you look at them and instinctively know they smell like feet. But then there's the ones that you could never tell by looking at them. They're the Silent But Deadly ones, in human form. They should come with warning labels.

They should do the rest of us a favor by letting us know this, before we decide to share a small space with them. In a perfect world, the following would happen:

Smelly man: Excuse me, miss. I should let you know that, before you enter this elevator with me, I smell. And I smell by choice.

Me: Why, thank you for letting me know! I think I shall wait until the next elevator comes.

SM: Very well, then. Have a nice day!

Me: You too, oh smelly one!

It would be the right thing to do, instead of assaulting olfactory sensitives like me with your stank. Unfortunately, however, not only was I trapped on the elevator with Smelly Dundee, but he tried to engage me in conversation, while I was doing everything in my power to hold my breath:

SM: Is that button lit up for floor 28?

Me, shaking my head: Mm-mm.

SM, looking at buttons and not at me: Is that a yes or a no?

Me, shaking my head and my finger, while trying to cover my nose and mouth discreetly with the other hand: Unh-unh.

SM: I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Me, clawing at the walls: Argha-agh! Gasp! (Then passes out)

***

Think of this as a PSA from your friendly neighborhood M, letting you know that a little bit of stank goes a long way. If I have to, I'll host fund-raising events to raise money for the anti-persperant averse and ensure that no individual should have to go without deodorant. We'll distribute free Arrid Extra-Dry across the city, until no man or woman is left behind.

Guests of the 2005 Ban Ball - supporting the cause so everyone can raise their hands if they're Sure!

But the first step comes from you. (Weeping now) Please...do it for your fellow man!

It starts with one small step in the elevator and next week...the subway.