The Perfect Christmas Gift

Since I presumably celebrate Christmas now on behalf of my daughter, I've been immersing myself into the mindset of Christmas shoppers, scanning the retail horizon for what could be potentially perfect gifts. Consequently, my eyes have been opened to the absurdity of what actually passes for desirable purchases out there and the fact that people actually buy them. Let's begin:

Snuggies - otherwise known as The Blanket With Sleeves aka the bastardized version of what is commonly known as a Poncho. It's so monk-like, too. What happens when people put it on? Do they start chanting?

"IIIII....ahhhhhhmmmmm.....the suckkkkerrrrrrrr....who bought Snuggiesssss....the blanhhhhhhhn-ketssss.....with shleeeevessssss!"

But that free book light offer, that's what gets them everytime. The Slanket didn't stand a chance.

FlowBee - the home haircutting system. I have never been an advocate of DIY haircuts, having been the victim of some horrific efforts on behalf of my mother. And for some reason, these exercises in humiliation always had to take place right before school photos were taken and said haircut was recorded for posterity.

So this, to me, just has WARNING!!! written all over it. Plus, the fact that it's called a vacuum haircut is worrying. Because things can go seriously awry when introducing a product like this to market, there is a simple equation at work here:

FlowBee + a bunch of drunk frat guys = YouTube history

You know I'm right!

Although...if you do buy the FlowBee, you can be like Cloris Leachman here and suck out whatever was left of your brain that led you to buy the thing in the first place

Adirondack Ski Chair - You have to click the link to see what I'm talking about, but it looks comfortable, no? And there's an ottoman! At $500, it better come with some lift tickets too! Just think of all the stories this chair has to tell. I think I recognize one of those skis belonging to that guy I completely wiped out at Killington in 1989.

Lucky Golden Poo - I kid you not. It's a charm in the shape of Poo. But it's Lucky. And it's Golden. Therefore, that makes it the perfect gift to give at Christmas. Ah, what the heck, make it any special occasion throughout the year.

It really says "You mean so much to me", don't you think?

Enough said. Merry Christmas.