Greer Childers Freaks. Me. Out.

I'm not sure you if you know who Greer Childers is. She's like Morgan Fairchild's long lost sister on crack. I only recently discovered who this chick was, when I caught an infomercial for her product? weight loss plan? diet pill? called Shapely Secrets. It's obviously a very good secret, because I can't even tell you what she's trying to sell.

But the freakiest thing is...no, not the bleached out mullay-type haircut. It's...no, not her name which is like something straight out of a V.C. Andrews novel. It's the face. With only her eyeballs moving and that lower jaw pumping away as she talks, man, I could sit and watch Greer Childers talk for hours and hours on end. Because nothing moves. Nothing. Nada. It is so well preserved, it's like watching a skeleton talk but with skin. She can barely blink. Those eyes are looking left to right like "Help! Get us out of here!"

And it's the most fascinating thing I've ever seen in my life.

I wish I could find a video clip for you and say Look what a Botox & Collagen cocktail can do for you! But sneakily enough, even her website doesn't feature any clips of her talking. Which is good for me, because I swear there's some mind-altering trick to this that I haven't yet figured out. All I know is: sit me down with a vodka tonic in front of a Greer video reel and that's the last you're seeing of me for a while!

So what I can offer you is this video clip from another era, a gentler time when Greer Could Move Her Face. Judging by this video, it's probably how she got into this mess to begin with.




In the interest of full disclosure, I watched this at my parents' house over the weekend. Since he couldn't see the screen, I'm convinced my father thinks I was watching porn on his laptop.