Close Encounters with the Eggy kind

In the very near future, C will come home and find me passed out on the floor in a sugar-induced unconsciousness. My mouth will gape wide open, cartoon X's will cover my eyes, and little birds will be tweeting around above me. My teeth will be all scattered around me, having fallen out of my mouth upon impact with one little Cadbury Creme Egg.

A fellow Creme Egg victim, who lived to tell the story

The war cry starts in early March and by the time these things hit the stores, I'm completely brainwashed. I think "Maybe this year, it will be different". And it's not. It never is! (sob) That little chocolate shell belies a sweet "yolk" of such massively, sugary proportions, it can fell even the most formidable of sugar junkies.

The Cadbury people don't even know what's in that yolk, so they call it 'goo' on their website. And because it's the Cadbury Creme Egg, it can be assumed that 'goo' doesn't require further explanation, even if the FDA comes calling. It is unapologetically goo. Cadbury know it's goo and can get away with just calling it goo. Because you will eat the goo anyway.

In the Sugar Junkies League rankings, I'm up there, like wayyyyy up in the single digits. As a kid, my favorite game was Candy-land. I cried whenever they were in the forest in the original Willy Wonka movie. Not because Augustus Gloop nearly drowned in a river of chocolate, but because I wanted to be there, where everything was made of candy. As far as I'm concerned, Cool-Whip is the fifth food group. It's like ketchup. It goes with everything.

But alas I will never be the #1 Sugar Junkie, and it's the Egg's fault. I'm a chump.

Those Cadbury people know they have something potentially nuclear within this Egg, because take note: they unleash it on us every year for only a limited period of time. To have it available all year round would be lethal. Need further proof in the pudding, or should I say 'goo'? LOOK AT THEIR BUNNIES! Their bunnies cluck like chickens!!!

Do I really need to say anymore?

Each year, they trot out a poor, unsuspecting rabbit to film their commercial, only to leave behind a bombed-out shell of its former bunny self. From the secret photo files of Cadbury Chocolates:

Off to Bunny Rehab you go...

NEEXXXXTTTT!

A Cadbury Creme Egg fits into the palm of your hand, much like the candy grenade that it is. But last year, while I was in Boots' pharmacy, I came across a Cadbury Creme Egg that was the size of my head, I kid you not. After I fell down to the floor and saluted it, I considered the potential damage that could be inflicted by this one, gargantuan ball of Egginess. The effects of such consumption are very easily mistaken as the result of a life hard-lived, boozing and drugging it up. There is only one survivor of such an incident in this world, and look where he is now:

"If only I hadn't eaten that Egg..."