Annoying Free Newspaper Man
Disclaimer: I was feeling a bit thentitive this morning.
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Annoying Free Newspaper Man is one of those people who hand out those free AM New York and New York Metro newspapers, as you enter or leave the subway system. And they really Piss. Me. Off. As you can see, this post has been brought to you by the capital letters P, M, and O. As in - don't PMO, man!
Every morning, when I'm walking up the stairs from the Herald Square station, there they are standing at the top of the stairs and waving the newspapers in everyone's faces. And not only are they doing this at an ungodly hour, blocking your way as you try to get to work, but they're screaming into your farkin' ear: "AM NEW YORK! GET YOUR FREE NEWSPAPER! AM NEW YORK!"
My senses have already been assaulted before I can plug in my IV drip of caffeine at work, so it's understandable that this would piss me off. And this will piss me off, n'est c'pas? I've got my beloved New York Post, I don't need anything else. And for the love of all that is holy, C knows not to go near me in the morning until I've had my full java fix.
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Me, before I've had my full two cups of coffee in the morning
This morning, Annoying Free Newspaper Man decided one shake of the paper in my face wasn't enough. He had to do it two times, you know, for the full effect. Little did he know that that one extra shake was going to be the maker-or-breaker. Had he controlled himself, he would still be safe right now. Instead, without thinking, I grabbed the paper out of his hand, ripped it up several times, and threw the pieces all up in the air.
"No, you did not!"
"Oh, yes...I...did!"
If I may say so, I suprised even myself. He just stood there looking at me, speechless, which in itself was a major victory. Annoying Free Newspaper Man has been silenced! Hurrah! Then he got it together and shouted at me: "You owe me for that paper!" So, it was just too perfect, too delicious, when I got to say:
"It's free, you dumb-aahaahaaaassssss!"
Who needs a cup of coffee after that? Now, I've got a smile on my face and will be doing the shaboogie dance for the wholeeeee day!
I have triumphed! Over Annoying Free Newspaper Man!
posted by Currin Girl at 9:50 AM
1 Comments:
I ponder whether there is an accredited school somewhere for the “Get your FREE paper” guy and his ilk. Perhaps Mr. AM New York got his sheepskin with the “Peanuts HEAAAAAAAH” dude from Yankee Stadium, the “smoke, smoke” Rastafarians loitering around the East Village in your college days, or the perennial homeless guy traversing from subway car to subway car with a well-worn sob story about having just been laid off and with 12 kids to feed. Undoubtedly this morning’s fiasco sent this latest graduate back to Annoying U for therapeutic brainwashing.
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