Hurty old men

My Yahoo news browser was going crazy this morning. Sharon Stone's comeback with Basic Instinct 2? Old hat. Jessica Lange's return to the big screen? Whatever. The olde-, I mean more established, men in Hollywood have carpe diem'ed! They have seized the headlines by refusing to age gracefully!

Michael Douglas snipes to GQ magazine at the state of marriage in Hollywood, taking potshots at Brangelina (I hate that phrase) and Renee Zellweger. Coming from the pope, these comments might make sense, but Michael Douglas isn't the pope. I suppose we're to forget that his ugly-as-hell divorce from Diandra, and their multi-million dollar settlement, ever happened.

Tell me, Michael, was it really a three-year hiatus from movie-making or just one really long, extreme makeover?

The next up is a report on Harrison Ford’s return as Indiana Jones. At the age of 63, Ford is ready to do the fourth installment of the series, regardless of the fact that "relevant" and "credible" are still words in the dictionary.

Give it up, man, just give it up.

To his credit, Ford does say he needs "to do a little practicing with the whip" for the film, to avoid injuries. However, there is just something so wrong with that sentence on so many levels.

Then, there's Sean Connery, who’s very mad. He has sued his golf club for promoting his celebrity to attain further status as an elite institution, while refusing to reimburse his money after he cancelled his membership. Daniel Craig has recently been anointed the new Bond. So is this lawsuit in the news a coincidence? I think not. Sean's wife, Micheline, poor gal. She spends hours each night assuring him he is the One and Only Bond:

"Sean Connery: I am still James Bond!

His wife: Yes, you are darling, now go to sleep.

Him: There is no other Bond but me!

His wife: Do you want a glass of water?

Him: Shaken, not stirred!"

***
Please, Donald Sutherland - don't disappoint me now. Retain your dignity and don't become like these clowns. You still make me rawr with that wicked grin of yours and I'll take you over Kiefer, on a platter with a side of fries, any day.

Como se dice en espanol - "RAWR"?

Hollywood eats its own and deludes them into thinking they still got it, when really they should just pass the torch and fade into character actor glory. I mean the real, real reason Miramax went bust? It's because I sued them for emotional trauma, after seeing Harvey Keitel go full-frontal in The Piano.

Shudder.