All hail the Farty Shoes
I am a fashion victim in the worst way. I have been afflicted with not just one, but two pairs of Farty Shoes.
Yes, you read right. I myself never knew there could be such a thing, and now all of a sudden I have two pairs. We're talking Farty with a capital F! Dorothy had her ruby red slippers and I've got my Farty Shoes
Earlier this summer, I acquired a pair of Donald Pliner one-inch heel sandals. These were perfect for work and ideal for walking around everywhere in comfort. Later on, I acquired another pair of sandals, this time lavender Nicole Miller with two-and-a-half inch heels. Also comfortable while achieving the desired level of fashionability I strive for. Two great pairs of shoes. Stylish, comfortable...and Farty.
My presence is announced even before I enter the room, thanks to the pfffftttt, pfffttttt and the occasional pffffooomp! that accompanies each step I take. The only time my Farty Shoes do not make themselves known is when I'm stepping on carpeted floors, which thankfully most of my office has. But on the way back from the ladies' room, where there are tiles, the receptionist will say without even seeing me, "Is that M I hear coming round the corner?" And if it's a really bad misstep, the sound then becomes what can only be described as a seal with a sinus infection. When that unfortunate ONK! ONK! happens, I should just clap my hands and bounce balls on my nose, you know, for the full effect.
I have devised a strategic walk to minimize this unfortunate problem; however, my legs are becoming quite sore as a result. So pray for me if I get tired and take a wrong step in public company. People step away from me in the elevator. They discreetly cover their noses waiting for the assault they think I have just let loose. Meanwhile, my red face indicates my embarassment, but for entirely different reasons. So this presents me with a dilemma - do I falsely out myself and shout "It's not what you think!". Or should I stay quiet and let them be grateful it's not a Silent-But-Deadly, even though I really haven't really done anything at all?
Do I look like a girl who farts that much? (C, don't answer that question) Granted, we all do it and it can't be helped. But if I really cut one each time I took a step, I should be seeing a doctor, no? I mean, that can't be healthy! The shoe guy on my block has offered to fix the problem for me, charging $50 for each pair to fix their heels and frankly, I'd rather be Farty than broke.
No, unfortunately, my shoes are Fashionably Flatulent and they have found a home with me. Maybe if I practice, I could do a whole dance routine to the tune of Lady "Marmalade", without the music. "Pfffft, pffft, pffftt, pfffttt, pffft yah yah yah yah, sweet lady Pffff-alade!" I could start charging admission and buy a pair of Farty Boots - just imagine the fun I could have with that!
So next time you pass by a woman walking down the street and you think she's just let one loose - give her a break. It could simply be that her shoes are Farty.
Yes, you read right. I myself never knew there could be such a thing, and now all of a sudden I have two pairs. We're talking Farty with a capital F! Dorothy had her ruby red slippers and I've got my Farty Shoes
Earlier this summer, I acquired a pair of Donald Pliner one-inch heel sandals. These were perfect for work and ideal for walking around everywhere in comfort. Later on, I acquired another pair of sandals, this time lavender Nicole Miller with two-and-a-half inch heels. Also comfortable while achieving the desired level of fashionability I strive for. Two great pairs of shoes. Stylish, comfortable...and Farty.
My presence is announced even before I enter the room, thanks to the pfffftttt, pfffttttt and the occasional pffffooomp! that accompanies each step I take. The only time my Farty Shoes do not make themselves known is when I'm stepping on carpeted floors, which thankfully most of my office has. But on the way back from the ladies' room, where there are tiles, the receptionist will say without even seeing me, "Is that M I hear coming round the corner?" And if it's a really bad misstep, the sound then becomes what can only be described as a seal with a sinus infection. When that unfortunate ONK! ONK! happens, I should just clap my hands and bounce balls on my nose, you know, for the full effect.
I have devised a strategic walk to minimize this unfortunate problem; however, my legs are becoming quite sore as a result. So pray for me if I get tired and take a wrong step in public company. People step away from me in the elevator. They discreetly cover their noses waiting for the assault they think I have just let loose. Meanwhile, my red face indicates my embarassment, but for entirely different reasons. So this presents me with a dilemma - do I falsely out myself and shout "It's not what you think!". Or should I stay quiet and let them be grateful it's not a Silent-But-Deadly, even though I really haven't really done anything at all?
Do I look like a girl who farts that much? (C, don't answer that question) Granted, we all do it and it can't be helped. But if I really cut one each time I took a step, I should be seeing a doctor, no? I mean, that can't be healthy! The shoe guy on my block has offered to fix the problem for me, charging $50 for each pair to fix their heels and frankly, I'd rather be Farty than broke.
No, unfortunately, my shoes are Fashionably Flatulent and they have found a home with me. Maybe if I practice, I could do a whole dance routine to the tune of Lady "Marmalade", without the music. "Pfffft, pffft, pffftt, pfffttt, pffft yah yah yah yah, sweet lady Pffff-alade!" I could start charging admission and buy a pair of Farty Boots - just imagine the fun I could have with that!
So next time you pass by a woman walking down the street and you think she's just let one loose - give her a break. It could simply be that her shoes are Farty.
posted by Currin Girl at 10:48 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home