The Curry Sauce Gods Have Smiled Upon Me

Tesco has announced they will be coming to the U.S. in 2007. My days of food porn will be over. No more going to their website and drooling at images of their Finest line of curry sauces, especially the Jalfrezi Piri Piri, as well as Chicken Tonight.

If two people were ever candidates to be arrested in Customs and sit in their little jail for smuggling curry sauce into the country, it would be C and I. Because to be honest, it's been done. We are shameless. C's friend came over in December to celebrate C's birthday and we issued him a warning: if you don't have Chicken Tonight with you, turn around, go back to England and get some. And make it the Honey Mustard flavor.

Opening a jar of the sauce is somewhat of a ceremonial rite in our home. You don't just open a jar and start cooking. No. First, you announce to me that you're making a Tesco's curry or Chicken Tonight, so I can do a dance around the apartment. Then, you open the jar and let me sniff the contents, before mixing all the ingredients together to cook. Then, I nag you to death if it's ready, to which you then serve the meal piping hot and pray that I burn my tongue. Once we polish off the entire meal, you let me lick the serving spoon and pretend I'm not the disgusting individual that I really am.

Drool, slobber, slurp

There is the the issue of supply and demand, however, because apparently Knorr did try introducing Chicken Tonight to the U.S. and it just didn't take. Had I known this at the time, things would have been very different today. But alas, I didn't; hence the smuggling now. However, Tesco has presented me with an opportunity and I've got to beat that drum.

We've been hard at work, sharing the goods, and have already converted one friend to the Finest range, educating her until she knew the names by heart. We were supplying her until C started his application for the K visa last summer. Then he asked me, "How would I explain to everyone we can't marry in New York, because I got busted at Customs for curry?" I thought about it, weighed the benefits of C against the curry sauces in my mind, and concluded, "Yeah, that would kinda suck."

So now it's up to my fellow Americans to Give Tesco a Chance. Think of people like me, who trek down regularly to Kalyustans to annoy the shit out of the staff and stinks up their floor of the building, in misguided attempts to recreate the taste of the beautifully preserved Finest range. It might be healthier to do it from scratch, but it just isn't the same. Tesco's sauce is like a British Chef Boyardee, with a little more elbow grease involved.

So let's spread that artificial goodness and debunk the myth that British food is no good! Let's go, Tesco!